Over the past few months, I have learned a lot about myself…
I have come to some great depths of knowledge about who I am and who I am not.
One element of this that has continued to emerge is my constant struggle and fixation with my ego. I am simultaneously the most confident and insecure person in the room at any given time. Or so it feels.
On the one hand, I get energy from doing…from accomplishing…from performing. I find my worth not in my identity as one of God’s Beloved but in being recognized…validated…verbally affirmed for my creativity, production, and overall awesomeness.
Yet, on the other hand, I’m still the self-doubting, worthless-feeling, insecure fat kid waiting to be picked on.
This affects my decision making process often. I know it is within me to follow a path because of the affirmation it might bring…and the simple fact that someone likes me and wants me. At the same time, the same ego wars against this in its antithetical form. I question everything because I don’t want to be driven by ego, desperately wanting to hear clearly the voice of God and remain humble. But, at the end of the day, it is the same ego and desire to be loved that lies underneath that motivation too.
Perhaps the call of God for me and people like me is akin to Kierkegaard’s tension of original sin – with sin being a deviation from the centered balance of finitude and freedom. Perhaps I have a greater need for discipline and spiritual rituals and structures to keep me centered – balanced between the poles of thinking too highly or lowly of myself.
Any deviation from a centered, balanced life is ego. Even humility.
“Everything you present to the world is a caricature of yourself.” – Gordon Atkinson